Everyone has a photographic memory, some don't have film.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

I wish the buck stopped here, I could use a few.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

When you go to court, you are putting yorself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people seem bright until you hear them speak.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

By the time I realized my parents were right, I had kids that didn't believe me.

I feel like I'm diagnonally parked in a parellel universe.

Have you ever noticed how nothing is impossible for those who don't have to do it?

You have the right to remain scilent, what you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

I like noise. I need noise. When it's too quiet, I can hear my brain cells dying.

She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

I like you but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

I looked up my wife's family tree. Most of her relatives are still climbing around in it.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

If a man is talking in the woods, and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?

Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.

If you always take time to stop and smell the roses - sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how living remains so popular?

If you can't say something nice about somebody, then you've come to the right place.

Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Never get into an argument with the schizophrenic person and say, "Just who do you think you are?"

Just remember...If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

Put your friend's names in a circle and put your man's in a heart, hearts break but circles never end.

The 50-50-90 rule: If you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? It's easier to run with your kilt up than your pants down!

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population.

Why get real? Plastic is cheaper, It doesn't rot, It comes in prettier colors, and it's much easier to clean!

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in his boat all day drinking beer.

Your so boring, if you threw a boomerang, it wouldn't come back to you!

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries

It's Never Too Late to Mutate and we know our computers do it as soon as our backs are turned.

Shin: A devise for finding furniture

In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Those who would trade a little liberty for a little safety deserve neither liberty nor safety

Restriction of free thought and free speech is the most dangerous of all subversions. It is the one un-American act that could most easily defeat us

Voting on how to rule is no defense against tyranny; on the contrary, it's a brilliant defense OF tyranny. It invites everyone to share equally in the corruption of government

"Socialism is the equal distribution of poverty

If the strong are unwilling to die for justice, the weak are certain to die without it

The only thing certain about the future is that it hasn't happened yet

The world is a comedy to those who think; a tragedy to those who feel

Computers make very fast and accurate mistakes

A genius writes code an idiot can understand, while an idiot writes code the compiler can't understand.

But it's still okay to turn your modem sideways - creating a tower modem - to impress your dimwitted friends

It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers

Science is a way of trying not to fool yourself

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away

The most powerful computer is the one people actually use

You do know, don't you, what MIPS stands for? "Meaningless indicator of processor speed?

BLOAT - Boasting Lots Of Additional Transistors

Bartender, I'd like whatever the man on the floor was drinking

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined

Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job

Confidence: The feeling you have before understanding the situation.

To spot the expert among a group of computer technicians, find the one who says the job will take the longest

Vis consili expers mole ruit sua" (Brute force bereft of wisdom falls to ruin by its own weight)

Nothing generates so much silence as confronting a person with an undeniable truth which is contrary to that person's beliefs

That's not what a Mac does. I want Mac on the PC, I want Mac on the PC

I put my thumb up to the window and blotted out the earth. I didn't feel like a giant. I felt very, very small

If you can't make it good, make it look good

Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors. And miss

For every problem, there exists a simple and elegant solution which is absolutely wrong

Ethics is a personal thing. Justice is a group matter

Censorship exercised by the authorities is in itself the epitome of obscenity

The act of censorship is always worse than whatever is being censored

A genius writes code an idiot can understand, while an idiot writes code the compiler can't understand

Is propaganda so much more successful when it stirs up hatred than when it tries to stir up friendly feeling?"

First they ignore you,
then they laugh at you,
then they fight you,
then you win.